Bye Bye You
by Blodigealach
Summary: Thomas loved Ryoga, but Ryoga was Yuma's. One-sided Hellshark. Mentioned Sharkbaitshipping. Post series.
1. Eyes Wide Closed

The scene played in front of his eyes again.

Ryoga was there, and so was Yuma. The purple haired man seemed happy and relieved, while the other looked really happy to meet him again. Yuma took Ryoga's hands in his, and the older man blushed visibly. He wanted to shout out, but his voice wouldn't come out. He wanted to run to them and stop them, but his limbs wouldn't move. It was as if he was tied up and forced to watch them helplessly.

Yuma's hand moved from Ryoga's hand to his waist, and Ryoga's free hand cupped Yuma's cheek. Their eyelids slid closed as they inched closer, and he tried to tear his sight away from the two of them but no avail. His body couldn't move. His voice couldn't come out. It was the thing he refused to see the most and yet he couldn't do anything to stop it.

Right before their lips touched, Thomas felt his world swirled around in the most nauseating way as he snapped his eyes open into the darkness. He was drenched in sweat and his chest heaved up and down as he desperately tried to breath. His fingertips felt numb and apparently he was squeezing the blanket so hard his knuckles turned white.

He slowly sat up and tried to register his surroundings. The annoying fluorescent green in his alarm clock showed that it was only a little over 1 AM. His throat felt strangely sore, and he guessed he probably screamed in his sleep. Again. Thomas pulled off his wet shirt and wiped his face with the remaining dry spot. The nightmare had been haunting him for quite a long time and he still couldn't find any way to block it out of his mind.

It would be a big fat lie if he said he didn't see it coming. He knew it would happen sooner or later since he met Ryoga again in WDC. Thomas could use Ryoga's grudge against him to keep the younger boy tied to the other end of the red string. But in the end, Ryoga's string was tied to Yuma and not him. He could just use any excuses—asking Ryoga to bring back his father, saving Ryoga as a payback for hurting his sister, or trying to win Ryoga back in Yuma's place—but what's left of the string he tried so desperately to tie Ryoga with was a broken, charred, fragile string.

Meanwhile, his ties with Yuma, no matter how much it tangled or stretched or scratched, it remained strong until the very end. So when the two of them announced that they're getting married years after, Thomas shouldn't be shocked. He shouldn't feel so heartbroken or betrayed. After all, even when they're separated—Yuma traveling around the world while Ryoga stayed to rearrange his life—they still kept in touch with each other.

Thomas could see how Ryoga's eyes lightened up and softened as he read the messages from Yuma; how he smiles serenely as he carefully held the souvenir Yuma sent from the archeological site. And when Yuma came home, he would greet the younger boy with a smile he never showed to anyone but Yuma alone.

It hurt Thomas every single time, but he still forced himself to see every single one of it. Because at some point, he could almost feel that it's directed to him. At some point, in his mind, he could replace Yuma with himself and fantasize that Ryoga did love him. But in the end reality would punch him square in the face and he would have to face that Ryoga saw him no more than just a friend. He should be grateful for that, but as greedy as he was, he couldn't get satisfied with just that.

Thomas groaned as he rolled off from his bed, fumbling in darkness to get to his closet and pulled a clean and dry T-shirt. He put it on as he dragged himself back to his bed, fishing a bottle of sleeping pills from the drawer. He had been really dependent on them and the doctor already warned him about pretty much everything. He was advised to meet a friend or family to talk about this 'traumatic experience' but it wasn't like he could just talk it out to anyone. Chris was already happy with his life being together with Kaito, and talking to Michael would be useless because he would probably talk about it to Yuma. The only friend he had was Ryoga and he would rather choke on his sleeping pills rather than talking to him about it.

He swallowed a dose and put the bottle back into his drawer as he flopped back to the bed. He closed his eyes again and this time he didn't dream about anything. But it felt like he only got to rest for a few seconds and the next time he knew his alarm waked him up. The fluorescent green flashed annoyingly and Thomas grumbled as he turned it off and rolled off from his bed. It was going to be a long day.

Thomas yawned and groaned in his way to the Heartland Academy. It was one of the times when he regretted agreeing to the offer to actually stay in Heartland and teach the youngsters about various things including dueling. It's difficult to maintain the calm and relaxed personality when you woke up only after a few hours of sleep and still under the effect of sleeping pills. Coffee would only make him even crankier so he didn't even try to grab one. Besides, taking coffee would probably make him stay awake even until late at night and if he wasn't tired enough to sleep the nightmare would definitely show up again. It was enough for him to have such dream for 3 days in a row and he wouldn't want to see it ever again.

"You look messed up," an overly familiar voice teased him from behind, and Thomas didn't need to turn around to know who it was. He snorted as he yawned again.

"Trouble sleeping. Ended up taking sleeping pills and now I feel like shit," replied Thomas as he shrugged. The other man exhaled and Thomas bet on all of his Duel Monsters cards that he must be smirking at that moment.

"What troubles the great Thomas Arclight, eh? Can't decide which of your fans to be pleased today?" he asked again, and Thomas silently prayed for him to just shut up and maybe go somewhere else before he began spluttering nonsense. Problem was; Kamishiro Ryoga—_Tsukumo_ Ryoga, Thomas corrected himself—was no other than his colleague in the Academy. Thomas started to wonder if he really should just call in sick in the first place.

"Just shut up, newlywed. Everyone wants my D and there's only one me, it's a tough situation," replied Thomas nonchalantly, and this time it's Ryoga who snorted. Silence fell again and Thomas didn't even try to break it. There were many things he liked about silence, and one of them was that he didn't have to try sorting out the words he was about to say since there was nothing to say. He had learned from the past years that silence could be one of his best friends, since words often betrayed him. They stayed like that until they reached the Academy, and only spoke to bid goodbyes as they went to different classes.

As Thomas had suspected, it was hard for him to stay focused when he was in verge of sleeping. He found himself spacing out for a few times, and he even tripped a little when he walked around the class, making some of his students giving him the sympathizing look. When the third period was over, he went to the teacher office and asked if anyone could look over his class for a period or two. "I have a cold," he lied as he flashed a tired smile to the female teacher who offered to take his place, and she believed him right away. He then excused himself and went to the infirmary. The place was empty, so he just lay down on one of the available beds and drifted into slumber.

Everything was dark, and Thomas felt like he was floating in nothingness. He tried to see if there was anything beyond the darkness, but there wasn't really anything. But then he saw a light, and he squinted as the vision in front of him became clearer. There was Ryoga, and Thomas grinned to himself. He was about to reach out to him when he felt how his arms were tied with invisible chain to the invisible wall that prevented him from moving his arms. He tried to move his legs, but they were also tied.

And then the scene slowly changed. Ryoga was standing in a small garden by the sea, and he was wearing navy blue suit. Colors drained from Thomas' face as he recognized the place and the clothes. He knew that scene well—or maybe a little too well. Slowly, another figure was forming beside Ryoga. From the black hair and the reds sticking out on his forehead, Thomas knew that it must be no other than Yuma.

It was once again repeated right in front of his eyes. Yuma was taking Ryoga's hands in his, and they smiled at each other, full of affection and longing. Yuma then held Ryoga's waist firmly and Ryoga cupped Yuma's cheek lovingly. And just like always, no matter how much Thomas struggled and tried to scream, his body couldn't move and his voice couldn't come out, and he couldn't tear his sight away.

But this time, he felt the world around him shaking and he fell into the darkness, just to find himself snapping his eyes open and staring at the white ceiling of the infirmary. He was breathing heavily, and he was clutching the front of his vest so hard that a button went loose. It took him long enough to even out his breathing and realizing that there was someone beside the bed.

His eyes widened in horror when he saw that the person was no other than Ryoga. The pair of blue stared at him in pure concern and he was frowning at whatever Thomas did when he was still unconscious. Ryoga brought his hand to Thomas' forehead, and Thomas flinched visibly. At this point, Thomas really thought that he should have called in sick in the first place.

"You don't seem to have any fever," Ryoga claimed as he pulled back his hand, wiping the sweat on the bed sheet. Thomas looked away. There was no way for him to tell Ryoga that he was having nightmares… especially when that nightmare was involving Ryoga himself and his beloved husband.

"Is there anything that bugs your mind, Thomas? You can talk to me," he asked again, and Thomas just kept his mouth shut. He wished that Ryoga would just leave him alone and never brought it up ever again, but the chance was slim.

"They called me because you were screaming my name in your sleep. Now you can't tell me that I have nothing to do with it. Talk to me, what happened?" Ryoga insisted, and Thomas had to bit his lips to prevent him from saying anything. He thought, if Ryoga knew all the truth, he would hate him for sure, and it was the last thing he wanted to happen. Losing Ryoga to Yuma was painful enough. He didn't want their relationship to strain more than it already had.

"Is this why you can't sleep last night too?" he asked again, and Thomas just squeezed his eyes shut. Had Ryoga always been this noisy? Thomas couldn't help but wonder. Maybe it's Yuma affecting him. The younger man always found his way to infect people around him with the kindness and warmth he had. It's just too bad that Thomas didn't stay near enough to get affected. He was a bitter man with sour life and he would always be.

Ryoga sighed. Thomas still refused to talk or even looked at him. He feared that if he let his guard slipped even just a little, he'd begin to blurt out about everything, and he'd end up destroying what was left of their relationship. He wanted Ryoga, but Ryoga was Yuma's, so having him as a friend was a blessing already. He didn't want to ruin it with his irrational jealousy. It's not like Ryoga had ever really seen him anyway.

Unconsciously, tears started dripping from Thomas' eyes. Thinking about how close Ryoga was and yet how far he was made him felt miserable. He thought about the chances he could and should but didn't take. Regret always comes late, awfully late, to the point that starting over is impossible and yet continuing with the current condition was really painful.

"Did you still hate me, from that one time when I killed you?" Ryoga asked softly that it almost slipped from Thomas' ears. He whipped his head and found how Ryoga looked at him with a guilty expression. There was a small bitter smile on his face, as if he was saying 'thought so'. Meanwhile, that's not the case. That's not the case at all. Yes, Thomas did feel upset about the whole Nasch thing, but never once he hated Ryoga for that. He knew the risk, and he faced Nasch knowing that death might dawn upon him.

Thomas sat up slowly and wiped the tears with his sleeve. He inhaled and exhaled deeply, trying to gain some composure before start talking to Ryoga. He felt that he needed to explain that he didn't hate Ryoga, and that his nightmares were nothing about his premature death, but without spilling just how much he loved Ryoga and how broken he was after Ryoga's wedding with Yuma.

"I don't hate you," he began to spoke. Ryoga seemed about to say something, but Thomas just cut it before the purple haired man could even say a word.

"God fucking dammit, Ryoga, I can't hate you even if I try. When Tron chose you over me, or when you try to fuel my anger in that wretched duel, or even when you actually kill me afterwards… None of those can make me hate you. Angry, yes, but never hate. It's never hatred. Jealousy, anger, but never hatred." Thomas shook his head desperately. Words just spilling out from his lips, and Ryoga was left stunned. The pair of blue eyes widened in surprise.

"It's… it's not your fault. I never hate you. It's my own fault. Those—those fucking nightmares have nothing to do with you. That's all. I'm done talking," he blabbed some more. He was about to turn away and plop back to the bed when Ryoga leaned closer and grabbed his shoulders. Thomas swallowed, hard, and he wished that he could just disappear into thin air. He tried to look anywhere else but his eyes were drawn into the intense blue.

"You were screaming my name in your nightmare then; loud and clear. You can't say that it has nothing to do with me. I want to know why. Give me a proper explanation," stated Ryoga firmly. Thomas swallowed again, and his brain really couldn't work properly. Ryoga was there, and he was so close that he could taste his breath. The smell of ocean breeze assaulted his senses, along with a faint scent of amber and sandalwood he had never really noticed before. No one's there, and certainly there's no Yuma. It was a rare chance that would never come again. All he needed was just a little push. Just a little push and—

—He ignored the world and grabbed Ryoga by the back of his head, forcefully crashing their lips together. Ryoga was too surprised to react. His grip slacked from Thomas' shoulders and he took the chance to bring the smaller man closer. He tried to savor every second; carving it to his very soul because he knew that such thing would never happen anymore.

And when he felt Ryoga's fingers twitching against his shoulders, he broke the kiss and shoved Ryoga as far as his arms could. Ryoga was staring at him in confusion. There was a hint of anger in his eyes, and Thomas couldn't really blame him for that. He flashed him a guilty smile, before jumping off from the bed and rushed to the door without a word. It took Ryoga some long seconds to get a grip of reality and chased after Thomas.

"Thomas!" he called as he ran after the taller man. Thomas picked up his pace and ran as fast as his legs and lungs could bring him. He didn't even try to slow down, not even on the turns or stairway or when he almost hit another person. He just ran, out of the Academy and straight back to his apartment.


	2. Secrets Silently Shouted

Thomas fumbled for his room's key and he quickly slammed the door closed once he got in. That's it; everything's ruined already. His D-Gazer rang but he just pulled it out of his pocket and threw it across the room. It flew and hit the wall so hard some parts fell out of the place and effectively turning it off. He slumped against the door. His legs finally gave up and so did his lungs. Everything felt dark and blurry for him. It felt far worse when he died prematurely after the duel with Nasch. At that point he wondered if he could just actually die back then. That way he wouldn't have to feel the pain he felt. That way he wouldn't have to watch Ryoga being taken away from him while he's still alive, causing him to wake up almost everyday in the middle of the night, with sore throat from screaming and clothes drenched in his own sweat.

That way, he wouldn't have done the very thing that would definitely destroy whatever was left of his connection with Ryoga.

He lifted his hand, staring blankly at it as if he was searching for something. And there he saw, between the imagination and reality, the broken string that was supposed to tie him to Ryoga. It was no longer red but black, burned down by his very own jealousy towards Yuma and hatred towards himself.

The fingers curled into a fist, and he slammed it hard to the door behind him. It was pathetic. All his life he was acting like a clown, and for what? He couldn't even maintain a decent communication with his family. He might have a bunch of fans but the one they loved was 'IV the Gentle Duelist', not the miserable and loose-mouthed Thomas Arclight. He hurt the one he loved the most, being killed by the very same person and revived by the same person too. And after everything they went through, he couldn't even properly say how much he loved him.

Tears were streaming again on his cheeks, dripping down to his vest. He hated it. He hated how his feelings made him weak and emotional. The air around him felt really thin that he started gasping and making strangled noises. His heart felt like it could explode anytime.

And then he heard it, firm knocks on his door. He instinctively held his breath, fully alarmed. He listened carefully, and knocking sound was heard again. When there was no answer, the knocks became louder each time. But Thomas had no intention to answer, whoever the visitor might be. He idly thought about who would be visiting him, and he was trying to remember whether he had passed his rent payment when a familiar voice calling from the other side of the door.

"Thomas," Ryoga called. Thomas froze. He could really feel it, how his heart felt cold all so suddenly, and how his fingers became numb and how the heat and colors drained from his face. He stayed still in his position, didn't dare to move or breath too loud. He silently prayed for Ryoga to think that he's not there and that he'd leave really soon.

"I know you're inside," he said again, and Thomas still didn't budge. He just stayed there, with knees pulled against his chest and arms circled around his tights. His eyes were wide open although they're not focused on anything.

"Look, I—what happened previously… How to phrase it, uh… I can't understand it. I'm surprised, confused, and honestly I'm a little mad too. I mean, I'm a married man, and what you did isn't really nice to do to someone who's married. But, yeah, I'm not going to scold you for that. I just want to know what's wrong and why would you do that," Ryoga spoke again. There was silence again, and Ryoga bit his lips.

"Thomas, you said it yourself back then, didn't you? You said that it's okay to fix the broken bond. If there's anything I did that makes you upset, please tell me. I want… I want to keep this friendship with you," he spoke again, softly. Hearing that, Thomas snorted, loud enough for Ryoga to hear it.

"You said you don't hate me, and back then you were so persistent on bringing me back. What changed, Thomas? Why are you avoiding me now? Why did you kiss me just then? If you don't say it, I will never be able to understand!" Ryoga said again, this time in louder voice. Once again, Thomas was silent, and Ryoga's patience was running thin.

"For fuck's sake, Thomas Arclight, talk to me!" Ryoga shouted as he slammed his fist to the door. There was silence again, and Ryoga sighed heavily. He gave up. Thomas was stubborn and he would always be. He was about to just turn around and leave when he heard the door clicking open.

"Thomas—" Ryoga halted all the words he wanted to say. The door was open, although the chain lock was still on. From the narrow opening, Ryoga could see just how messed up Thomas was. His eyes were red and puffy, and his shirt and vest were crumpled and stained with what seemed to be his own tears. His cheeks were damp, and it was clear that he had been crying before Ryoga arrived.

"Go home, Ryoga. I've told you I'm done talking today," murmured Thomas. Ryoga didn't even budge, but Thomas also didn't just slam the door right in front of him.

"I'm not going anywhere until you at least explain why did you kiss me," demanded Ryoga. Thomas frowned and he pondered about just how much should he spill and how much should he keep for himself. But in the end he decided that, the fuck with everything—his relationship with Ryoga had already broken, so there's no use in trying to keep anything hidden. He might just completely and utterly destroy it to the point beyond repair.

"National Duel Circuit, preliminary round," he started. Ryoga frowned upon the words. He knew that both of them went to National Duel Circuit, but he couldn't yet understand why would Thomas bring up the preliminary round instead of the final. But still, he stayed silent; listening to whatever Thomas was about to say.

"I watched all your duels. They're so beautifully crafted I couldn't believe that you're actually 3 years younger than me. You're shining so brightly on that stage, showing me the sight I had never seen before in my life," he continued. Ryoga frowned even deeper, and Thomas couldn't help but chuckled at the sight before him. Just how clueless Ryoga could be? Honestly, Thomas thought it must be because Ryoga's head was filled with Yuma that he couldn't see anything else beyond that.

"You have my heart since then," he said softly as he stared right into the pair of blue that was widening in shock upon the words.

"But then I hurt you and your sister under father's—Tron's—order. Since then, I felt that I'm unworthy for you. I shouldn't even try to get close to you ever again. But I couldn't. Tron wanted you, and I wasn't in the right mind. If I could have you, I didn't mind being a demon. So I trapped you. Lured you in. But by the time I got you to see me, I realized it's already too late. Your heart had already resonated with someone, and that someone wasn't me. It's never me," he continued. He paused because honestly he didn't know if he should continue babbling.

Ryoga was also silent, because he finally got Thomas to talk. It's somewhat ironic. He often told Thomas to shut up because he talked too much, but when Thomas stopped talking he demanded him to talk. But then again, it's also because usually Thomas would talk about things that were less important. The words that came out of his mouth were usually just snarky remarks or swearing. This is probably one of the rare times when Thomas actually spoke from his heart.

"Even back then, you loved Yuma, am I right?" asked Thomas firmly, bringing Ryoga back from his thought. Ryoga just blinked and tried to make an argument that, no, he didn't. But if he were to reflect back to what he felt about Yuma, he couldn't find any objection. And when he didn't deny it, Thomas just smirked with a pained expression and Ryoga didn't need for Thomas to say anything because he could read how Thomas said 'I knew it' loud and clear.

"When I tried to bring you back in that wretched duel, too, I used Yuma as an excuse so you'd listen to me. Because if it's just me who talked to you, I knew you wouldn't listen. Who am I to you anyway? Just a psycho dude with roman numeral as his name," blabbed Thomas again as he chuckled bitterly at himself.

"Yeah, you really should let me die permanently back then. Why do you even bother reviving me? I was glad enough to die in your hands, because I know I can never have you by my side," he said lightly, and Ryoga clenched his fists. This time, he couldn't stay silent.

"Everyone deserved a chance to—"

"The hell with chances and everything! I don't even give a shit about the world! All I want and need is you, and if I can't get it, it's better off for me to die!" cut Thomas, shouting. Ryoga was once again silent, losing the words he wanted to say.

"I've told you, haven't I? I was already so glad that I died in your hands. It was the ultimate happiness I could ever ask for, since I know you only love Yuma. I missed my chance and I've lost you forever. And I kissed you back then in infirmary because I was desperate, end of story. I'm done talking. Go home now," added Thomas in hurry. He was about to close the door again but Ryoga quickly stuck his foot to prevent him from doing so. Thomas glared at him.

"For the fuck's sake, Ryoga, just go—"

He didn't even manage to finish his sentence when he felt how the world seemed to suddenly be turned around. The air felt cold and his brain seemed to start working. The last thing he realized was that Ryoga was shouting and that he fell to the ground.


	3. Overflowing Empty Soul

The scent of disinfectant and the beeping sound of the heart rate monitor were too familiar to Ryoga. He had been there for a very long time; partly for accompanying Rio, partly because he's involved in several accidents, and partly because Yuma got admitted there for a few times and there's no way he left Yuma alone in the hospital. But it was certainly the first time he sat there for Thomas. It was also probably the first time he got to see his peaceful sleeping face. The last time Thomas was asleep, he was screaming and looked really pained.

He had tried contacting other people. The first one he called was Yuma, of course, but Yuma was away for a research and all he could do was to wish for Thomas to get better soon. He asked if Ryoga was fine too, and if he's okay to watch over him, and Ryoga said that he's fine. He also said that he's used to taking care of people in hospital, so Yuma should be rest assured. The call ended with Yuma telling Ryoga to call him immediately if he needed someone to talk to.

The next one he called was Chris. Unfortunately, he and Kaito were also out of town. Both Chris and Kaito asked what actually happened to Thomas, but the doctor hadn't said anything, so he couldn't answer it as well. Chris told him that he'd come back in a couple of days, and he asked if it's okay to leave Thomas under Ryoga's care until then. Ryoga said that he's okay with that, and Chris told him to call him if he got any updates about Thomas' condition.

Michael was the next one that he called, and by the time Michael told him about his current location, Ryoga wondered how was it possible that everyone was out of town. Michael was away to give a seminar on the other side of the earth so there was no way for him to come back immediately. Just like Chris, he asked if Ryoga would mind to take care of Thomas at least until Chris got back. Ryoga felt like having a déjà vu as he told Michael that he didn't mind taking care of Thomas, and then he ended the call.

Ryoga exhaled and thought that he should probably call one of Thomas' friends to help him taking care of the said person. He tried to remember if there's anyone Thomas ever mentioned or seen talking to. In the morning, Thomas either walked to Academy alone or with Ryoga. In the afternoon, he ate his lunch alone or with Ryoga. And after school, he went home alone. It then hit Ryoga that Thomas never really close to anyone but him. Just to make sure, he called Chris once again. Although Thomas seemed closer to Michael, overseas calls cost too much.

"Yes, Ryoga?" answered Chris. He was really quick to answer. It seemed that he was concerned about Thomas after all.

"I just want to ask, does Thomas ever mentioned any of his friends to you, aside of myself, Yuma, and others?" asked Ryoga. Chris fell in silence, trying to remember if there's anyone Thomas ever mentioned to him.

"No. No, I don't think there's any. In fact, he only talked about you and never anyone else—not Yuma, not Kaito, not Rio, not Kotori, no one else. Even after these years, you are still the only person he calls a friend," replied Chris. Ryoga fell silent. He just couldn't imagine what kind of life Thomas lived through. Even for him, although he had really small circle of friends, at least it didn't consist of only 1 person.

"Ryoga, are you still there?" asked Chris, snapping Ryoga back from his thought.

"Ah, yes, sorry, the signal is a little bit interrupted," he lied. "Well, that's the only thing I want to ask. Thanks, Chris. I'll contact you again later," he added before ending the call. He put back his D-Gazer into his pocket and gazed at Thomas. Just what kind of life he had? Ryoga couldn't really grasp it. Thomas never talked about it and every single day he always had that smile on his face. He never seemed to have a worry about the life around him. But then again, it's Thomas Arclight he's talking about. He had years and years of experience covering up his true self.

He dug into his pocket and picked up a key card. It's the key to Thomas' apartment that he took from Thomas' pocket when the ambulance came to pick him up. Ryoga thought, he might find out more about Thomas' life if he searched into his apartment. He didn't really fancy the idea of breaking into someone's house, but apparently it needed to be done. He stood up from his seat and went to Thomas' apartment.

Thomas' apartment was a simple one-room apartment. It wasn't too luxurious or spacious like he imagined before, but it's spacious enough for someone to live comfortably there. Everything was surprisingly neat. The dining area was clean, and so did the living area. Ryoga thought because he's already stepped into the dining area he might as well as start looking from there.

He opened the fridge and he immediately frowned from how empty it was. There were only some eggs, a carton of milk, and several energy bars. Comparing it to the fridge in his apartment, it was practically empty. He proceeded to open the shelves and he could only find a cereal box and several seasonings, aside of cooking utensils. He started to wonder if Thomas ever ate anything, or did he just ordered out his food and never really cooked. There's no way that Thomas couldn't cook, though. There was one time when Thomas visited him and Yuma on Christmas and he was a great help because he cooked even better and faster than Ryoga.

Ryoga sighed and he moved on to the living area. Thomas didn't seem to have too many personal belongings. There were bills that he kept neatly under the TV table. He seemed to leave his D-Pad in school when he left abruptly before, and his D-Gazer was nowhere to be seen. As Ryoga walked further into the room, he noticed small pieces that seemed to be parts of D-Gazer. He stopped and observed more and he found Thomas' D-Gazer. The semi-transparent screen was cracked and the parts were spilling everywhere. He squatted and collected them carefully, wondering if Thomas had thrown them for whatever reason.

After he wrapped the broken D-Gazer into his own handkerchief, he moved on to Thomas' desk. It was also clean and neat, with some books stacked. He didn't know that Thomas still read in paperback. He picked them up and read the titles, and he immediately frowned. The books were all about handling with depression and how to achieve peace in mind. He went through the books and reached the end of the stack, which was apparently a photo frame rather than book.

The banner that spread across the picture showed that it was from the National Duel Circuit. Judging from the amount of people there, it seemed to be from the preliminary round. He found Thomas in no time, standing right at the center of the picture. He looked really young, and although it was in the picture, he could see how his eyes were glittering in joy. A bright smile was plastered on his face. Ryoga idly thought that the young Thomas in that picture really had the same aura with Yuma. But if he were to compare it with the Thomas he saw in the final round and every moment after that, he seemed to be a completely different person.

But then again, why would Thomas keep that picture? It would be more sensible if he kept the one when he was titled Asia Duel Champion. There's nothing special about preliminary round. It was just a bunch of duels before—

"_National Duel Circuit, preliminary round… I watched all your duels… You have my heart since then."_

—Ryoga froze as he found himself in that picture, just 1 person away from Thomas. Everything clicked perfectly. But then, he shook his head. There's no way Thomas would keep it only for such thing. Also, that couldn't be the only picture he had in his room. He put back the picture on the desk and looked into the nightstand's drawer. It was quite messy there, with white plastic bottles and several papers looking like they're just being thrown there randomly.

He picked up one of the bottles and he frowned as he read the label. It's a bottle of sleeping pills. Then again, Thomas did mention that he took them because he couldn't sleep but he didn't expect to find a whole bottle of it. He glanced into the drawer again and noticed how the other bottles were practically the same stuff. One was already opened and there were several unopened ones. He picked up one of the papers stuffed there and saw how they're all prescription and bills for the medications. He put them all back and closed the drawers.

After about an hour rummaging the room, Ryoga questioned even more about what kind of life Thomas actually had. Aside of that one picture from National Duel Circuit, there was no other picture in that house. Although he had TV and DVD player, the channel subscription was dead and there's no sign of DVD in his room. There was no magazine or newspaper. He didn't even have things like plants in a pot or any kind of decoration. Mirai, Yuma's mother, once told him that a person's house reflected their soul. If that's the case, was Thomas' soul as empty as his house? Ryoga felt his heart clenched at the thought.

He tried to shake those thoughts off. There's a chance that Thomas just kept everything in digital version. Not everyone likes to collect stuffs like Kazuma or Yuma anyway. He then thought that it might be a good decision to take Thomas' broken D-Gazer for a repair. He could also fetch his D-Pad in school, and then went back to the hospital. Without wasting anymore time, he went out, locking the door, and took his bike from the parking area. As he put on his helmet, a phone call came. It was from Yuma.

"Hey, Shark, I'm coming home tonight. I guess having another pair of helping hands isn't so bad, right?" said Yuma. Ryoga smiled in gratitude and started his engine.

"Thank you very much, Yuma. You sure you're okay? How about your research?" he replied. Yuma shrugged nonchalantly.

"Research can wait. What kind of horrible human being I am if I leave my friend and my husband in trouble just for a research? Just hang in there until I arrive, okay?" replied Yuma as he smiled brightly as usual, making Ryoga felt warm inside.

"Alright then. Have a safe trip. I love you," he replied.

"Love you too, Shark. See you at home," said Yuma before he ended the call.

Ryoga put back the D-Gazer to his pocket and sighed. Yuma was always like that, putting other people's worries on top of his own work. But then again, that's what make Ryoga loved Yuma so much. Because of Yuma, he learned how to love himself more, how to accept both Barian and human side of him—the thing he struggled so much ever since his past life came crashing.

He went and hit the road, driving to the city center to drop Thomas' D-Gazer for a repair. As he was speeding along the road, he began to wonder just when he stopped calling Thomas as 'IV' and started referring to him with his real name. Thomas always called him 'Ryoga'; the way Durbe always called him 'Nasch' and Yuma's 'Shark'. He also wondered what made him change from 'IV' to 'Thomas'.

The thoughts occupied his mind until he reached the repair shop. He stopped and parked his bike, shrugging off those thoughts out of his mind as he got off from the bike. One thing for sure, it just felt right for him to call Thomas 'Thomas' instead of 'IV' all so suddenly. Thomas never complained anyway, so it's not a thing he should think about.


	4. Heart Tightly Opened

The morning sun greeted Thomas when he flicked his eyes open. He felt so light and refreshed, as if someone had just replenished his energy. It had been too long since he felt like that. Those nightmares haunted him again and again and having to go to work just to meet one of the sources of his nightmare only made everything even worse. But then again, seeing Ryoga every single day was a thing that made his heart fluttered in joy. It was a blessing as much as it's a curse.

"Ah, you've finally waked up!"

Thomas widened his eyes in horror upon hearing that voice. He knew that voice. He knew the tone, the richness of happiness in it. He slowly glanced to the source of the voice, praying that he was wrong. But he wasn't, and in that instant all the pain and burden that was temporarily gone came back crashing to him.

"Shark told me that you fainted from fatigue yesterday. He has to go teaching and informing the Academy that you're not in condition to teach for a while, so I'll accompany you for now," said Yuma as he walked closer and pulled a chair to the side of Thomas' bed. Thomas was still glaring at him; cold sweat started to form on his skin.

"What's wrong, Thomas? You look—" Thomas sat up abruptly and slapped away Yuma's hand as the younger man tried to touch his forehead. Yuma was stunned. The expression Thomas had in his face was so hostile, similar to a wounded animal.

"Leave me alone," hissed Thomas. Yuma still didn't budge. Instead, he tried to reach out to Thomas once again, and Thomas quickly grabbed his pillow and threw it as strong as he could to Yuma. "I SAID LEAVE ME ALONE!" Thomas shouted. Yuma was still there, frowning at Thomas while Thomas was glaring at Yuma.

"I heard everything from Shark. Thomas, if there's anything that bothers you that you can't tell to Shark, you can talk to me," said Yuma with a serious tone. Thomas' expression morphed from anger, to disbelief, then to a twisted grin. He then started laughing hysterically. His expression was so twisted that Yuma backed off a little as he shuddered.

"Anything that bothers me, you said. How touching. I think I'm going to cry," replied Thomas, still with the twisted grin on his face. Yuma knew that expression. It was the face Thomas had when he was still bound with Tron's revenge. It was IV's expression.

"IV…" Yuma whispered, but he quickly clasped his palm on his mouth. He didn't know why that name came out when he intended to call Thomas. He eyed Thomas carefully, hoping that the older man didn't notice. But Thomas noticed. His face turned serious and hostile. His aura felt like a bottled up magma, ready to explode anytime.

"Yeah, go ahead, Yuma. Say that I'm still the monster I was. And this time there's no Tron to pull my strings. I'm not someone else's monster anymore; I'm my own monster. I don't have to hold back anymore. I can kill you right here right now if I want to," said Thomas coldly, sending shiver down Yuma's spine.

"C-calm down, Thomas. I'm sorry. It's just… slipped out. I'm really sorry. Can we talk it out?" replied Yuma cautiously. Thomas snickered and that twisted smirk was there again.

"Talk it out. That's so you. Are you going to lecture me about the whole bond and friendship shit again? To be honest, I'm fed up with those. Everyone is friend? Family love? Don't fuck with me. Every single one of it is a total bullshit," replied Thomas coldly.

Yuma stared at him with fear behind the pair of crimson. He really couldn't erase the feeling that it was IV and not Thomas he faced there, despite both being the very same person. It was something he couldn't explain with words, but it felt that it wasn't the usual Thomas Arclight there. The man talking to him, glaring at him with a twisted grin on his face, was not Thomas Arclight. He was IV and just IV.

"I really want to help you, Thomas. If there's anything I can do for you, you can just tell it to me. I'll do my best to help you," persuaded Yuma. Once again, Thomas laughed, with the same mad laugh like before.

"Anything, eh?" Thomas giggled, "Since you're being really generous about it, I guess I'll tell you what I want."

Yuma waited, although he wasn't sure if he wanted to hear what Thomas was about to say. The grin disappeared from Thomas' face, although his whole being was still clouded with the dark madness.

"Ryoga," Thomas spoke firmly. Yuma frowned, completely confused with what Thomas said. He was about to turn to the door to check if Ryoga was there when Thomas spoke again.

"I want Ryoga. Give him to me and I'll be fine," said Thomas. He was serious, and Yuma could see it as clear as the day. There was glint of pain behind the pair of magenta, but Yuma wasn't sure if he was just imagining it or not.

Thomas climbed down from his bed and walked closer to Yuma. The younger man just couldn't muster up any courage to back out or simply turn around and ran away. His instinct told him to stay still, or he would be swallowed whole. Thomas stopped right in front of Yuma and placed both of his hands on Yuma's shoulders. He stared right into the brilliant red, dead serious and not planning to let Yuma ran away.

"It must be nice to be you. You have everything I don't. You have friends who love you for who you are, and family who are always by your side no matter what," murmured Thomas. His hands inched closer to the center and his eyelids were half shut. The mix of emotion reflected behind his eyes were so murky Yuma couldn't even tear his sight away from them.

"Chris is always busy with Kaito and Haruto. Michael is always busy with his research with father. At first I thought it's not really that bad. It's not really that bad because I still have Ryoga. But I was wrong," Thomas continued as his slender fingers brushed against Yuma's neck softly. Yuma shuddered at the sensation, but he just couldn't move. He couldn't even find his voice. The air around him felt really heavy and for the first time in a very long time he felt what he could name as 'terror'.

"You have everything, Yuma, while I only have—_had_—Ryoga left. And for some reasons, you just have to snatch him away from me, right in front of my very eyes," Thomas spoke again. His fingers clasped around Yuma's neck, although there was no force applied. He tilted his head, as if he was considering whether or not he should kill Yuma right at that moment.

"Is it fun for you to see me suffering, Yuma? Is this your form of payback for hurting your friends? Well yeah congratulation, you're doing a great job. You should be nominated as the next King of Sadist. Not even that bastard Vector can pull it as innocently as you do," continued Thomas. Yuma's breath hitched. He wanted to deny everything but his voice seemed to betray him. He inhaled deeply, trying to collect some of his composure to talk back.

"I—I would never—" Yuma squeaked and he couldn't even finish his sentence. His voice just died in mid sentence and whatever escaped his lips seemed to fuel Thomas' anger even more. The pair of magenta was blazing hot, and the fingers around his neck were trembling.

"Let me spell it for you, Yuma. You deny my perfect death by bringing me back. And then you monopolize Ryoga and take him all for yourself. Now I have to live by the fact that I don't die in the hands of the only person I love, and that he belongs to someone that isn't me," said Thomas in eerily calm voice. He tilted his head again, eyebrows knitting and his lips curled in a twisted grin.

"It feels good to play god, doesn't it, Tsukumo Yuma?" Thomas giggled. Yuma felt like the temperature just suddenly dropped and his whole life just flashed in his eyes. In that moment, he really thought that he was really going to die.

The room's door was opened and Thomas glanced up to see his visitor. Standing in front of the door was Ryoga, with Thomas' D-pad and D-gazer in his hand and a horrified look in his face. Before the purple haired man could say anything, Thomas released Yuma and just calmly walked past him. Yuma felt his legs were giving up and slumped to the floor. He was trembling violently, just like he had just escaped from the worse death he would ever experience.

"Thomas!" exclaimed Ryoga as he caught Thomas' forearm when the man walked past him. Thomas snatched his arm back without even trying to look at Ryoga. Without a word, he walked out of the room. Ryoga stood still for a moment until he remembered that Yuma was still there. He quickly approached him and squatted down, concerned about just how terrified Yuma looked.

"Yuma, are you okay? Did he hurt you?" asked Ryoga softly. Yuma shook his head, still couldn't find his voice to reply. Ryoga bit his lips and offered his hand. Yuma took it and let Ryoga helped him to stand. He clung to Ryoga until he could steady his feet and breath.

"What did he do to you?" asked Ryoga again. Yuma let out a long sigh and stared at the floor. Thinking about what Thomas said to him, was he really being selfish when he married Ryoga? He didn't think so. It's not even him to ask Ryoga to be his husband. Ryoga was the one who proposed to him, in his own broken and awkward way.

"Hey, Shark…" Yuma began to spoke softly, "Is us being together… our marriage… Is it a selfish thing to do?" Ryoga fell silent. He remembered about Thomas' words, about how he felt towards Ryoga. But then Ryoga also remembered about Kotori, how close she was with Yuma and how she admitted that there was time when she was in love with the cheerful man.

"It is," replied Ryoga, making Yuma twitched visibly. "But it doesn't mean that it's a bad thing. Never once I regret proposing to you, and vowed my life to you on that day," he added.

"But Thomas—"

"He's the one who's being selfish," cut Ryoga quickly. "If he really loves me like he said he does, he should've let me go. My happiness is with you, Yuma. Or do you not feel the same way like I do?" continued Ryoga as he stared at Yuma with a concerned look. Yuma shook his head frantically.

"Marrying you is the greatest thing in my life and I never regret it even for a second," replied Yuma. Ryoga smiled gently at him and kissed his cheek softly.

"Then you don't have to worry about anything. But maybe it's a good idea that you don't meet with Thomas for the time being. Please stay at home for now. I'll go search for that idiot," said Ryoga. Yuma nodded and Ryoga kissed him once again.

"Sorry to trouble you, Shark. I just want to help," said Yuma. Ryoga shrugged and rolled his eyes.

"Don't be sorry. Thomas is a difficult person to deal with anyway. Come on," replied Ryoga as he clasped his hand with Yuma's and led him out of the room. He was thinking to escort Yuma to the lobby while trying to find Thomas along the way, but it was proved to be unnecessary.

Thomas was sitting on the floor with his back resting against the room's wall. He was listening to the conversation between Ryoga and Yuma the whole time. Magenta met blue, and Ryoga felt as if the blood was drained from his head as he stared at Thomas' dead smirk. Something in that smirk made Ryoga's stomach churned and the darkness behind Thomas' eyes sent shivers down his spines.

But the sensation didn't last long as Thomas' lids slid closed and he fell sideways. Yuma's yell was the one that snapped him from his mind and quickly knelt to catch Thomas before he hit the ground. His body was cold and he was sweating heavily. Ryoga asked for Yuma's assistance to bring Thomas back to the bed and pressed the button to call the nurse and doctor. They arrived soon after and both Yuma and Ryoga were asked to wait outside.

"You should go home. I'll stay here and let you know if there's any update on his condition," said Ryoga. Yuma didn't argue, and he was about to leave when Kaito and Chris showed up. Ryoga chewed the inside of his cheeks as he thought how he was supposed to explain the situation to Chris.

"How's Thomas' condition?" asked Chris without trying to make any useless courtesy. Yuma glanced at the 'emergency' sign in glaring red on Thomas' room door and Chris caught the gesture. He saw the warning and he rushed to Ryoga and grabbed his shoulders.

"What the hell happened to my brother?" hissed Chris. Fear and concern reflected in the pair of blue. Although Thomas said that Chris didn't care about his well being, it was clear for Ryoga that Chris did care.

"We don't know yet. All I know that he was fatigued—"

"Fatigued? _Fatigued_? He was fatigued and it needs him to be hospitalized and now put in emergency state? _Do you think I'm going to believe in such illogical reason?_" Chris was practically shaking Ryoga, and his grip on Ryoga's shoulders was so strong he winced in pain. Seeing that, Kaito and Yuma quickly tore them with all their strengths. Yuma rubs Ryoga's shoulders gently as he stared at him concernedly while Kaito was whispering comforting words to Chris, trying to get him less panic.

"I guess it's better for both of you to go home for now. Please. And please refrain from visiting for a few days. We'll contact you if there's any update on Thomas' condition," asked Kaito. Ryoga and Yuma nodded in understanding, and they excused themselves from the scene.

The pair took a last glance before they took a turn to the escalator and saw how Chris bent down to cry on Kaito's shoulder while the shorter man rubbed his back to comfort him. As they went down, Ryoga realized that Thomas' D-Pad and D-Gazer were still in his possession. The whole panic made him forgot to return them to Thomas, although currently he didn't know if Thomas still needed them anyway. He thought maybe he could take a look at them so that he could understand more about Thomas' current condition. It was a crime, he realized, but it had to be done anyway. Thomas didn't seem willing to cooperate at anything and preferred to keep everything for himself, and Ryoga didn't want to just sit down and accept it. He was ready to find out about everything, although it would probably hurt everyone in the process.


	5. Perfect Crumbling Soul

Days passed and Chris was still forbidding Ryoga and Yuma from visiting Thomas in the hospital. But as promised, Kaito was keeping Ryoga updated with Thomas' condition. Thomas was in stable condition after the incident, but he still hadn't waked up again. The doctor didn't find anything strange about him and once again concluded that Thomas was just fatigued. While it proved that Ryoga wasn't lying about Thomas' condition, the silver haired man still didn't try to apologize. He was too upset to believe in the whole situation.

In the meantime, Ryoga was still pondering about searching through Thomas' D-Pad and D-Gazer. It's not that he couldn't pry out the information, but he still couldn't find the solid resolve to look into them. But when Thomas still hadn't waked up for a week straight, he found the resolve and pried into the devices for any information.

The stuffs inside both devices were just as empty as Thomas' cabinet. Most of them were just about the teaching work and almost nothing else. The other things he found were Thomas' chat messages with him. The wild haired man didn't seem to ever clear the history at all, while the chat histories with other people seemed to be cleared regularly.

Ryoga had nearly given up when he found something that seemed like a series of journal entries among the syllabus data. He tried to open one and his guess was right. It was Thomas' private journal, and they were all dated since after he was revived. First few entries were considerably tame and normal, and mostly were questioning about why he was still given the chance to live and how glad he was to be able to meet Ryoga again. Reading those, Ryoga felt like there was a lump sitting uncomfortably at the bottom of his stomach.

He read carefully into the entries and finally reached the one where he and Yuma announced their marriage. The entries from that day went dark and mad. Sentences and words were repeated like a twisted mantra, and sometimes there were multiple entries from the same day. Every single one was twisted, until he reached the entries where both he and Thomas applied to teaching in Heartland Academy.

The entries from that point on seemed to be alternating between the tame ones and the twisted ones. One thing for sure, Thomas was suffering from the nightmares ever since he met Ryoga regularly but at the same time he was also happier. It was probably the worst ups and downs condition and yet Thomas never showed how miserable he was in public. It made Ryoga stopped reading the entries to think about just what kind of life Thomas had gone through until he could fake such condition. But then again, maybe he didn't really fake it. Maybe he was just being genuinely happy at one moment but absolutely miserable at another.

He continued with his reading and he reached the entry that made his eyes widened in horror. In that entry laid the truth he was searching, about Thomas' condition and why the doctor couldn't find what was wrong with him. It was always there, right in front of his very eyes, and yet he never managed to see it. But then again, not even Chris was aware of the thing. That alone made Ryoga thought if they were just too blind to realize it or that Thomas was always that sharp and self-aware but he was just good in hiding it behind his fiery charade.

"_This is not something I planned to write down but I guess I had to, just to shrug off some thoughts from my mind. The side effect of father's crest is starting to kick in. I wonder if Chris and Michael are affected as well, especially Michael, but they seems to be just fine. Maybe because of at some point Michael was sharing his burden with Yuma, and in a way or another he was 'cured' because of that? I don't know; I'm not a scientist like Chris."_

"_But those two never really abused the power of the crest after all. It only affects the body when we're dueling, and especially when we're using Numbers. Chris and Michael didn't duel as much as I did, and they owned fewer Numbers. It's only natural that only I feel the wrath of the crest. Maybe this is my punishment or something, for playing with the power that isn't mine to begin with."_

"_I don't know just how long I have left, but probably not really long. I don't dare to try finding out. I don't really have any last wish either. When it ends, it ends. Well maybe I do have a last wish—for this death to be the last of me. I'm starting to get sick of being denied from having a permanent death. I'm just tired of everything. I want a peaceful sleep without anyone trying to wake me up ever again."_

Ryoga felt really sick. He looked into the timestamp for that entry and it was dated more than half a year ago. From how Thomas wrote it, he seemed to be aware of the situation even longer. The whole time Thomas was aware that he was dying, and yet he always showed up in school looking as lively as ever. If only Thomas didn't snap at him that time, he would never know about his physical condition.

Thinking about that, Ryoga quickly skimmed through the next entries. He needed to know whether it was 'normal' for Thomas to collapse like that. He found some more recent entries and everything made him felt even sicker. It had happened several times, and every single time Thomas was alone at home. At first it wasn't really frequent and the duration was short, but after some time it had become more frequent and the duration was longer. It was worsened with the fact that he had trouble sleeping due to the nightmares he had.

Thomas Arclight was slowly crumbling and no one but he himself knew about it.

Ryoga dropped the D-Pad and pinched the bridge of his nose as he inhaled deeply. He couldn't take it. While he didn't consider himself as someone close to Thomas, reading the entries broke his heart very much. He started to be able to understand Thomas' recent behavior. He started to be able to understand Thomas more, and yet just like him, Ryoga didn't know how much time he had left. He didn't know just how much time he had left to fix whatever was wrong with Thomas.

The ring from his own D-Gazer interrupted him from the thoughts. Kaito's name was flashing on the semi-transparent screen and Ryoga sighed deeply to regain his composure before answering the call.

"Thomas has waked up. His condition is stable, and since the doctor doesn't find anything wrong, he'll be released tomorrow morning. Also, Chris said it's okay for you to visit, but just don't bring Yuma. That's all I want to say," explained Kaito right after they exchanged greetings. Remembering what Thomas did to Yuma, he also thought letting Thomas met Yuma would be the worst idea ever.

"I understand. I'll drop by soon; there are Thomas' stuffs that I need to deliver anyway," replied Ryoga. Kaito told him that he was staying in the hospital for a few hours more and he would tell Ryoga if there's any change in Thomas' condition. Ryoga thanked him and they cut off the call after exchanging goodbyes.

Ryoga closed everything and erase any traces that might give away that he's messing with the devices. He pulled on a pair of clean pants and grabbed his jacket, stuffing Thomas' D-Pad and D-Gazer and his own D-Gazer into the pocket, grabbing his bike's key, and went out. Yuma was staying with his parents for the time being, so he made sure to lock the apartment safely before getting his bike in the parking lot. He messaged Yuma about Thomas' current condition and that he was going to visit him. Yuma told him to take care and Ryoga smiled at the simple words. He started the engine and hit the road.

It didn't take too long for him to reach the hospital and then to Thomas' room. There was only Kaito inside—it seemed that he and Kaito was taking shifts in watching over Thomas and it happened to be Kaito's shift at that time. Kaito greeted him with a nod and he immediately exited the room, giving privacy to him and Thomas.

"Hey," greeted Ryoga, and Thomas offered him a tired smile. While his condition was said to be stable, Ryoga knew the truth, and it somewhat hurt him to see Thomas still trying to pull an act like that. Ryoga walked closer, and Thomas didn't seem to mind his presence at all.

"I'm sorry for the whole thing happening the other day. I'm just… I don't know. I haven't been sleeping really well and I guess I kind of snapped. Please tell Yuma I'm sorry too. I think… I think I scare him or something," babbled Thomas. Ryoga nodded firmly, understanding the whole situation.

"I understand. And don't worry about Yuma; that guy always forgives you before you even apologize," replied Ryoga. Thomas let out a soft chuckle as he glanced away, obviously being upset but not really wanting to show it too obviously. But the gesture didn't escape Ryoga's eyes. While it was rude, Ryoga couldn't really blame him for acting that way.

"Anyway, you're released tomorrow, right? Let's go to the amusement park, just the two of us. What say you?" offered Ryoga. Thomas stared straight to Ryoga with eyes glittering in joy. Never in his life he expected Ryoga to ask him out for a walk like that. It was something he had given up wishing for since long ago, and yet it was offered right in front of him right at that moment.

"Yes. Yes, that sounds like a good plan for me. Is 11 AM good with you?" replied Thomas eagerly. Ryoga nodded and smiled, and Thomas lightened up even more.

"I'll see you tomorrow then. Try to get some rest today. And, oh, here's your D-Gazer and D-Pad. I figure you'll need them," said Ryoga as he pulled out the devices and placed them on the nightstand. Thomas was smiling happily, and it somewhat made Ryoga's breath hitched as he looked into the pair of magenta.

"Thank you, Ryoga. See you tomorrow," said Thomas, still with the warm smile on his face. Ryoga waved to him and he walked out of the room. Kaito was waiting outside, but he didn't seem to eavesdrop at the conversation.

"Going home already?" asked Kaito. Ryoga nodded.

"I'm just here to deliver some stuffs. Anyway, tell Chris I'm sorry for the whole mess happened last week," replied Ryoga. Kaito shrugged.

"Chris… he's concerned with Thomas' condition, but he's also aware that there's nothing he can do, even as his own brother. I think I understand his frustration. In his place, I also apologized for his behavior," replied Kaito. Ryoga couldn't help but sighed and smiled a little. As fellow older brother, he knew that feeling really well. All three of them had had to deal with such condition at some point in their lives after all.

"I understand. I'll be going now. Call me if there's anything urgent," said Ryoga before leaving the place, going back to his and Yuma's apartment. He vaguely thought if it was too soon for him to let Thomas spent a day together with only him, but he remembered about Thomas' journal and he was convinced that it's not too soon. If he didn't doo it as soon as he could, he might miss the chance forever. He thought that after all Thomas deserved a piece of happiness after all the suffering he experienced throughout his life.

Although, Ryoga was unsure if it's a wise thing since he could make everything went worse.

-/-

Ryoga was waiting under the clock tower near the amusement park's entrance. There was no sign of Yuma or his brothers anywhere. This time, it was just he and Ryoga. The purple haired man waved at him, as he walked closer. His heart was pounding hard in his chest, and he had to squeeze his jacket a little just to calm it down a little.

He stopped right in front of Ryoga, and Ryoga pulled out his right hand, showing the ring resting on his finger. Thomas sighed dejectedly. He could already guess that Ryoga would probably warn him about him being a married man and everything else. He shouldn't have any high hopes to begin with. But what surprised him was that Ryoga took off the ring and shoved it into his pocket. Thomas' jaw dropped, and he was frantically trying to find the reason behind the pair of deep blue.

"Just for today, I'm not a married man—not a 'Tsukumo', not a 'Kamishiro', just Ryoga. Only for today, I'm your Ryoga," said Ryoga. Thomas was waiting for 'just kidding' to follow after, but those words didn't come. Ryoga's face was serious, and Thomas' eyes lightened up in joy.

"But," he continued, "You're not allowed to do anything more intimate than hugging. Break that and I'll come home to Yuma." His face was still serious and Thomas knew that he wasn't joking.

"Do we have a deal?" asked Ryoga, still with the same seriousness. Thomas let out a long sigh. What other option did he have? His other chances to have Ryoga were zero to none. Having him all for himself for a day was a blessing already. He absolutely mustn't screw up.

"Deal," he said as he smiled softly. "So? Let's go in? Also, don't worry about our expenses here today. I'll be paying everything. Just have fun and do whatever you like," he added as he walked towards the entrance. Ryoga tugged his sleeve when he had only made his first step. He looked at him with a questioning look, and Ryoga extended his hand.

"Don't you want to hold my hand?" he asked. Thomas' face turned pink. He did thought about it, but he didn't think he should. He didn't even know if it's okay to do so. But before he could process anything, Ryoga clasped his hand against Thomas', and the taller man's face was red to the tip of his ears.

Without him noticing, tears started rolling down his cheeks. Ryoga stared at him with widened eyes, and Thomas immediately wiping them with his sleeves. "I—I'm sorry. I just…" He couldn't finish his sentence as he sobbed even harder. Ryoga was completely at loss on what to do. Thomas was squeezing his hand, strong enough but not enough to make it felt painful.

Thomas inhaled deeply and stopped crying. He wiped the rest of the tears away and smiled widely at Ryoga. Ryoga could feel his heart wrenched. It was probably the first time in his life that he saw Thomas smiling like that. The smile was radiating with love and warmth, and those eyes adored him like he was more precious than anything else in the world.

"I'm happy, Ryoga," he said. Ryoga was still stunned for a moment, before he pursed his lips and smacked Thomas lightly on his shoulder.

"You're embarrassing! What are you, 12?" said Ryoga. Thomas just laughed in response and it made Ryoga's stomach churned.

"I'm sorry. Come on, let's go. I'll make sure that we'll have lots of fun," replied Thomas.

He led Ryoga into the amusement park, and Ryoga had to admit that the taller man was keeping his words. They got into various rides and played games at the smaller stalls. Thomas won him a shark stuffed doll in the shooting game and Ryoga mentally named it Big Jaws. Ryoga was holding it for a while until Thomas took it from him, saying that it's his duty to carry it for Ryoga until the day is over.

"'Mr. Cuddly' sounds like a fitting name for this little one," commented Thomas. Ryoga stared at him with a frown and disbelieved look. He was about to throw a protest


	6. Blue Moon

Thomas saw Ryoga waiting for him under the clock tower near the amusement park's entrance. There was no sign of Yuma or his brothers anywhere. This time, it was just he and Ryoga. The purple haired man waved at him, as he walked closer. His heart was pounding hard in his chest, and he had to squeeze his jacket a little just to calm it down a little.

He stopped right in front of Ryoga, and Ryoga pulled out his right hand, showing the ring resting on his ring finger. Thomas sighed dejectedly. He could already guess that Ryoga would probably warn him about him being a married man and everything else. He shouldn't have any high hopes to begin with. But what surprised him was that Ryoga took off the ring and shoved it into his pocket. Thomas' jaw dropped, and he was frantically trying to find the reason behind the pair of deep blue.

"Just for today, I'm not a married man—not a 'Tsukumo', not a 'Kamishiro', just Ryoga. Only for today, I'm your Ryoga," said Ryoga. Thomas was waiting for 'just kidding' to follow after, but those words didn't come. Ryoga's face was serious, and Thomas' eyes lightened up in joy.

"But," he continued, "You're not allowed to do anything more intimate than hugging. Break that and I'll come home to Yuma." His face was still serious and Thomas knew that he wasn't joking.

"Do we have a deal?" asked Ryoga, still with the same seriousness. Thomas let out a long sigh. What other option did he have? His other chances to have Ryoga were zero to none. Having him all for himself for a day was a blessing already. He absolutely mustn't screw up.

"Deal," he said as he smiled softly. "So? Let's go in? Also, don't worry about our expenses here today. I'll be paying everything. Just have fun and do whatever you like," he added as he walked towards the entrance. Ryoga tugged his sleeve when he had only made his first step. He looked at him with a questioning look, and Ryoga extended his hand.

"Don't you want to hold my hand?" he asked. Thomas' face turned pink. He did thought about it, but he didn't think he should. He didn't even know if it's okay to do so. But before he could process anything, Ryoga clasped his hand against Thomas', and the taller man's face was red to the tip of his ears.

Without him noticing, tears started rolling down his cheeks. Ryoga stared at him with widened eyes, and Thomas immediately wiping them with his sleeves. "I—I'm sorry. I just…" He couldn't finish his sentence as he sobbed even harder. Ryoga was completely at loss on what to do. Thomas was squeezing his hand, strong enough but not too strong to make it felt painful.

Thomas inhaled deeply and stopped crying. He wiped the rest of the tears away and smiled widely at Ryoga. Ryoga could feel his heart wrenched. It was probably the first time in his life that he saw Thomas smiling like that. The smile was radiating with love and warmth, and those eyes adored him like he was more precious than anything else in the world.

"I'm happy, Ryoga," he said. Ryoga was still stunned for a moment, before he pursed his lips and smacked Thomas lightly on his shoulder.

"You're embarrassing! What are you, 12?" said Ryoga. Thomas laughed in response and it made Ryoga's stomach churned.

"I'm sorry. Come on, let's go. I'll make sure that we'll have lots of fun," replied Thomas.

He led Ryoga into the amusement park, and Ryoga had to admit that the taller man was keeping his words. They got into various rides and played games at the smaller stalls. Thomas won him a shark stuffed doll in the shooting game and Ryoga mentally named it Big Jaws. Ryoga was holding it for a while until Thomas took it from him, saying that it's his duty to carry it for Ryoga until the day is over.

"'Mr. Cuddly' sounds like a fitting name for this little one," commented Thomas. Ryoga stared at him with a frown and disbelieved look. He was about to throw a protest when Thomas chuckled and patted his head softly.

"Just kidding. Big Jaws, isn't it? Figured as much," said Thomas. Ryoga was left speechless at just how well Thomas read into his mind. He wondered if he did say it out loud but it didn't seem to be the case. Thomas just knew Ryoga that much, as simple as that.

The date went on really smoothly and Thomas was keeping the deal with Ryoga. In fact, he didn't even go as far as hugging. Holding hands, with occasional pat on the head or shoulder or back were all Thomas did. He was treating Ryoga with utmost respect and care, and the whole time he was smiling genuinely, laughing from the bottom of his heart. Ryoga was also left impressed each time he purposely let Thomas guessed what he would pick at certain situations, like the drink or the ice cream flavor, and each time Thomas gave him exactly what he wanted.

"Just how long have you been stalking me, Thomas?" asked Ryoga as he sipped on his iced tea. Thomas chuckled and shrugged nonchalantly.

"Who knows? Between stalking and paying close attention to things you like, what's the borderline?" replied Thomas, and Ryoga had to admit that he got a point there. At one side it was somewhat creepy to have someone being able to read what's in his mind. Yet Ryoga had to agree if he were in love with Thomas just as much as Thomas loved him, he would probably be awfully happy about it.

After they're done with the drinks, Thomas offered his hand and Ryoga let him entwined their fingers together as they went to the next ride. Ryoga idly looked around as they walked, and after some time he realized that there were some people who stared at them and then whispering to their friends. Ryoga frowned at the gesture, but he tried not to pay attention to them. But at some point they walked passed a pair of girls who also stared at them and giggled to each other, and Ryoga could hear a part of their conversation. From what he could get, the girls thought that they're a couple and they wanted to have someone like Thomas for a lover.

Ryoga glanced to Thomas upon hearing those whispers. He would be lying if he said that Thomas wasn't attractive. Even since he was younger, people of all ages were swooning over him. Male or female didn't seem to matter. When he was calm and not using that mouth to insult people, he did look like a prince charming straight out of a fairytale. The pair of magenta was sparkling brilliantly like a pair of gems. His eyelashes were long and the thick eyebrows framed his face perfectly. The scar on the right side of his face didn't make him any less desirable. His wild maroon and golden hair accentuates his face even more.

He began to realize just how big Thomas was in general. He was always tall, and although both of them had hit the end of their growth Thomas was still taller than him. His shoulders were wide and he had great posture as well. The fingers entwining with his were also long and slender, and Ryoga was sure that Thomas' hands were certainly bigger than his. It was only then that he realized all those, and that he was probably really lucky to have such good-looking man to fall for him.

Thomas glanced at Ryoga, and the shorter man was embarrassed that he was caught staring. But Thomas didn't say anything—no teasing or asking 'is there anything wrong'. He only stared back and smiled at him, with the same affectionate and gentle expression he showed since the very beginning of the date. Once again, Ryoga couldn't help but felt his stomach churning and slightly blushing at the simple gesture.

"Let's get on this for the last ride," Thomas announced as they arrived in front of the Ferris wheel and began queuing. Ryoga frowned at the statement, but his words were once again cut before he could even say it.

"You said the deal last for the 'day', right? I'll take you back to Yuma after sunset. There's no way I'm letting you skipping the dinner with your beloved husband anyway," said Thomas lightly. Ryoga stared at him in disbelief. There were still a lot of things he didn't know about Thomas and that were one of them. He failed to understand the logic behind Thomas' decision, but it wasn't like he would disagree as well.

"What, have you actually fallen for me just because of today?" teased Thomas, and Ryoga smacked him hard on the back. Thomas exclaimed but it instantly turned into a giggle, and Ryoga could only shake his head in return. He seriously couldn't believe Thomas at all.

They stayed in silence for the rest of queue. Ryoga noticed how people were whispering about them again, and it got him thinking why would someone like Thomas fell for someone like him. But then again, Yuma did too, and the thought made him remembered about the picture he found in Thomas' apartment. He still couldn't shrug off the thought of how Thomas was really similar to Yuma in that picture. If Byron never went missing, would Thomas grow into someone as cheerful as Yuma? He knew that it's useless to think about something like that, but sometimes he just couldn't help but wondering.

Ryoga snapped back from his thought when Thomas tugged him forward, leading him into the cart. He entered first, and then Thomas followed behind him. Thomas placed their stuffs on the seat across Ryoga's before taking his beside the purple haired man. Although he let their shoulders pressed against each other, Thomas didn't try to hold Ryoga's hand again. He let his hands rested on his lap, and Ryoga noticed it almost immediately.

"Don't you want to hold my hand?" asked Ryoga, feeling a little bit déjà vu from his own words. Thomas glanced at him and for a second Ryoga thought he saw sadness behind the pair of magenta before it disappeared as soon as it came. Thomas chuckled and moved his hand for Ryoga to clasp against his own.

"Thank you for today, Ryoga. I'm really grateful," said Thomas softly. Ryoga hummed in return, didn't really know what to say in that situation. The cart moved and they were slowly brought up, revealing the city around them basked in bright yellow-orange light.

"Thomas," Ryoga called when they almost reached the top of the wheel, "What makes you fell for me?" The question came out of nowhere that Thomas fell in silence for a long while. He sighed then hummed, pondering about what kind of answer he should give.

"Do you ever ask why the sun is shining? Why the wind is blowing, the earth is rotating, and the wave is crashing to the shore?" replied Thomas. Ryoga scowled at the words, failing to understand why Thomas would bring such questions when he was the one who's asking.

"The answer is that it just happens naturally. That's how it is. It's not something I can really explain with words alone," added Thomas. Ryoga was conflicted whether to feel really touched at the words or to smack Thomas hard for being so poetic. But in the end he didn't do any and just stared to the distance. Silence fell upon them until they slowly went down again.

"The moon," Thomas spoke suddenly, "It's really blue, eh?" Ryoga scowled again since the moon wasn't anywhere to be found. More importantly, Ryoga couldn't understand why would Thomas say that the moon is blue. The moon is never blue, unless it's in parables. He started to thought that it might be a parable but he couldn't really remember any.

"Are you sure you're okay, Thomas?" asked Ryoga. Thomas only chuckled in return and shrugged. Again, there was sadness in his eyes, but it vanished too soon that Ryoga thought he was just imagining it.

Silence fell upon them once again, and finally they reached the bottom again. Thomas helped Ryoga out before grabbing all the stuffs and exited the cart. He didn't hold Ryoga's hand again, and he purposely held the stuffs on both hands so none of them were free. Seeing that, Ryoga also didn't offer Thomas to hold his hand, although he did offer to take some of the stuffs. But Thomas only chuckled and said that he's okay carrying them all, and that it's time for them to go home.

Thomas was keeping his words. He didn't only walked Ryoga to the station, but he also paid for the train ticket and sat with him until they reached the station near Ryoga and Yuma's apartment. He went as far as accompanying Ryoga to their unit and rang the bell and waited for Yuma to open the door.

"Hey, Yuma. Just dropping by to get this guy home," greeted Thomas. Yuma smiled awkwardly to him and he and Ryoga only exchanged whispers. They really wanted to greet each other with hug and kiss but Thomas was there and they didn't want him to throw a tantrum. Thomas looked at them with raised eyebrows.

"You're not going to kiss or hug or anything? I mean, you're married and seem to have pretty much lovey-dovey—oh sorry, maybe not in front of guest? Then I'll take my leave now. Do you mind if I leave the stuffs here?" asked Thomas as he gestured to the area next to the door. Both Yuma and Ryoga were stunned for some long seconds.

"Huh, what? Yes—No, I mean—Let me take those," replied Yuma as he offered his hands. Thomas carefully handed everything—the dolls, souvenirs, snacks—and Yuma was overwhelmed that Ryoga had to help him with some of the stuffs. Only then did Ryoga realize that Thomas bought a lot of stuffs for him… and for Yuma too, looking at the contents and amount.

"Alright then, goodnight. Thank you for today, Ryoga. You too, Yuma, thanks. And sorry that I gave you a scare back then in the hospital," said Thomas before he turned around, just to be stopped with a grab on his upper arm. Thomas turned his head and met with Yuma's concerned look. Yuma then realized what he did and quickly released Thomas' arm. He didn't really know why he stopped Thomas; he only knew that he had to.

"Um, well, I'm sorry for what happened too, and—and—Thanks for souvenirs, and… Uh, you're not taking some with you?" replied Yuma awkwardly. It's hard to talk with Thomas, he thought. There was always uneasy feeling about him and honestly Yuma was still not really over the trauma of that day in hospital. Unexpectedly for Yuma, Thomas chuckled and ruffled his hair.

"Where's your usual _kattobingu_, shrimp boy? Getting cold feet now? It's so unlike you. And nope, I don't get those for myself. Go enjoy them with Ryoga," said Thomas. Once again both Ryoga and Yuma was left speechless with the things Thomas said and did. Ryoga was almost convinced that he did hit his head somewhere sometime when he was still in the hospital.

"I should be going now. Go have some fun, you two, while it lasted," said Thomas again as he moved his hand away from Yuma's head. He then glanced at Ryoga and smiled, the same gentle smile he gave him the whole day.

"The moon is really blue tonight, don't you think, Ryoga?" he said. Ryoga still hadn't understood what Thomas was trying to say, but he nodded anyway in return. And the flash of sadness was there again, but Ryoga didn't try to stop Thomas from going. He thought he would be really rude if he asked Thomas what he meant by 'the moon is blue', so he'd try to find it out himself. He could always confirm it to Thomas later.

The rest of the night went almost normally, with the warm dinner and a lot of cuddling before going to bed. The only thing that was a little off was that they didn't even try to talk about what happened during the day. Ryoga also couldn't really sleep peacefully. There was an unsettling feeling sitting at the bottom of his stomach although he couldn't really name what it was. Yuma, on the other hand, was sleeping peacefully. Ryoga clung to him until he finally could drift into slumber.


	7. A New One for All

Ryoga stood there alone. The other guests had already gone home, as well as the Arclight brothers. Yuma offered to stay, but Ryoga told him to leave him alone. For once, he didn't want Yuma to be by his side. He didn't need anyone staying with him.

Slender fingers caressed the scarred cheek. The blazing magenta was forever extinguished, hidden behind the lids that would never open again. He looked completely at peace. Ryoga closed his eyes, imagining that Thomas would wake up when he opened his eyes. But as he slowly let the light revealed the scenery around him, Thomas was still lying on the bed of white roses with his eyes tightly closed.

"How foolish I am, to think that we still have plenty of time," murmured Ryoga. The glow behind the pair of blue was dimmed. Not even Yuma could cheer him up from the loss. Just like what people said, we wouldn't realize what we had until it was gone.

Without a warning, the man squatted down as sorrow weighted upon him. He was still gripping the side of the coffin so tightly, as if it was the only thing that kept him from falling into the endless abyss. Tears were flowing rapidly as he gasped for air. There was no scream, only pitiful noises escaping from his lips.

Even then, he still could remember it clearly, the guilt of killing the person who believed in him so deeply. Although this time it wasn't his fault, he knew that he played a part, and it made him felt really sick. The thought weighted him down even more, but this time there was no one to tell him that he mustn't falter. This time, he let himself being crushed under the weight of regrets.

He regretted that he no longer had the chance to thank Thomas for the things he had done—for saving his sister, for saving him, for not giving up on him, for forgiving him, for staying by his side, for being the loyal friend… and for finally giving him up to Yuma, although it was clear that Thomas still loved him with all his heart.

"_The moon is really blue tonight, don't you think, Ryoga?"_

Ryoga had finally understood what those words mean, But he no longer could accept or reject those words, for it had lost its meaning together with Thomas' death.

"I hope that we'll meet each other again in that blue world, and that we'll finally have the time and chance to talk about everything. Let's talk about the things you haven't yet told me, and things I haven't yet told you," whispered Ryoga.


End file.
